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Alcoholism and Addiction--With Help, Families Do Recover
Ask any child, partner or parent with an alcoholic in the family, and they will tell you alcoholism is a disease that destroys families. It can derail a family’s day to day existence, rob them of their financial security and cause such harmful emotional damage, that many family members live their lives scarred from its caustic effects.
For children of alcoholics, life can often be scary, painful and even life-threatening. They feel its effects in a variety of ways based on their age, their living situation and their maturity level. For very young children, it is not uncommon to see them racked with fear, suffering from issues of abandonment and exhibiting abnormal social skills as they try to navigate through a life filled with uncertainty. Because they lack the cognitive skills needed to associate their parents’ behavior with a disease, all they can understand is that one minute Mommy or Daddy is nice and seems to love them and then the next they are being yelled at and are sure it’s because they are a bad little girl or boy. For these children, it is not unusual to see their confusion manifested in frequent nightmares, bed wetting and crying. To make matters worse, behaviors like these are often reprimanded further exacerbating their feelings of despair.
For older children of alcoholics, episodes of severe depression and low self-esteem are common. Many try to change their parent’s behavior by becoming obsessive perfectionists, extreme introverts or rebels in school. Because of these behaviors, they are often ostracized by teachers and students for behavior that is in response to something entirely out of their control. But no matter what behavior they exhibit, the common thread for older children of alcoholics is the need to hide the secret that they are different and their parent is a drunk.
For the spouse or partner of an alcoholic, feelings and behaviors are often similar to those of their children. They can experience feelings of hatred, self-pity, and low self esteem; avoid social activities to hide the shame of an alcoholic partner; and because they often take on both parental roles, they can become exhausted, angry and completely desperate. In the end, this can mean that the non-alcoholic parent becomes as inconsistent, demanding, and neglectful of his/her children as the alcoholic themselves.
So can families survive the devastating effects of alcoholism and go on to lead healthy, happy lives? The answer is yes. But just as it is for the alcoholic, the road to recovery is built on self awareness, honesty and a true understanding that you must focus on your own recovery first, in order to help others with theirs. The first step for recovery is admitting that there is a problem. A family problem. One that can not be kept in secret to protect the alcoholic or the family’s reputation. The reality is that by keeping this secret, the family itself is enabling the alcoholic and the behaviors that are impacting and slowly destroying each family member’s life.
Once a family can admit there is a problem, the next step is seeking out the resources needed to help them with their own personal recovery. For children, most schools employ counselors or social workers, who are well trained in providing counseling and resources for children living in a home with an alcoholic parent. For spouses or partners, marriage and family counselors, specifically trained to deal with addictions, can help couples try to work through some issues that may be affecting the alcoholics’ decision to drink. This can be the key to a supportive journey towards recovery for the alcoholic and their partner, while relieving some of the tensions at home.
There are also family recovery programs available at treatment facilities that focus on alcohol and chemical dependency. These programs are designed to teach families that alcoholism is a disease versus the result of poor self control and irresponsible behavior. They also help families understand how to help the alcoholic by not enabling them or their destructive behavior. But most importantly, a good family recovery program teaches families to understand that the family’s recovery is not based on the alcoholic’s recovery. Instead it is based on good communication, smart choices, faith, and a true desire to help themselves. With the proper resources, education and understanding, families, and the individuals within them, can begin to recover from the devastating effects of alcoholism and go on to lead rich, full and happy lives.